Posted by: migbelda | 26 March, 2009

Mailshot about “Luxury pen”

Dear sir/madam:

The VIP pen for VIP people.

Do you want to feel as the most acclaimed writers do?

They rely on VIP PEN Writing, which has developed the most exclusive, well-designed and luxurious pen in the market. If you buy this pen, we guarantee you’ll never have to re-charge the cartridge again, and you will be able to correct any mistake thanks to its special erasable ink. But what will keep you wanting to write is its built-in multilingual dictionary. Just amazing.

Vip PEN Writing is used by the most world-known writers, the most acclaimed lawyers and the most brilliant scientists.

Buy your VIP PEN Writing and start living the life of high-class in society.

Sincerely Yours

John Smith

PS Order your pen today and you will get your name engraved in gold free of charge.


  1. In my opinion (about the mailshot)
    On one hand, the Tittle reduces the range of possible customers that could be interested in the mailshot, but on the other hand, the Hook, quickly attracts the reader’s attention.

    Talking about benefits, there are unbelievable features, thing that doesn’t fit with the aim of being trusty.
    A piece of advice to avoid this feeling in the reader is to allude to specific credentials, not to so general ones like “writers, lawyers,…”, trying to be more concise.

    Finally, the PS offer is a very good one for that kind of product.

    PS: Very good nose addresing the letter to men as to women.

    In my opinion (about the product)
    Don’t you think that if the writer can erase the special ink, someone else could do it?
    Imagine you have just filled in a test form, and the person who receives it erases some important gaps. Who is going to demonstrate you wrote the correct answer?

    -Creating polemic –

  2. All right, it´s true that this title can be a bit too specific, but it has to be like this, because we´re talking about a luxurious pen, and not everybody can afford this kind of product.

    Maybe you´re right with this staff of the erasable ink, but we wanted to give it very special features, so we thought about this… Perhaps it´s not a very practical use…

  3. Rebeca is a great businesswoman, she has detected all our faults in our products. You are a very sharp and observant girl!!

  4. Good effort boys. I cannot put it any better than Rebeca, she’s always full of brilliant ideas.
    Just a couple of things: remember to separate different ideas in different paragraphs. For example, I cannot clearly distinguish the benefits section, is in in the same one as the promise?
    As for the action part, I think you could be more specific, leading your customers to what you want them to do. “Start living…” is not really appropiate in this part, don’t you think?

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